


Holding On

by SailorLestrade



Series: Nothing Else Matters [2]
Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Aftermath of Suicide Attempt, Angst, Love, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Sequel, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-30 00:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19031254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorLestrade/pseuds/SailorLestrade
Summary: Sequel to Nothing Else Matters. Tommy and Nikki handle the aftermath.





	Holding On

Tommy hadn’t wanted any visitors, but Nikki convinced him to at least let Vince and Mick in to see him. He knew they were staring at his bandaged wrists the whole time they visited. He tried to put a smile on his face and joke with them, but he could see the worry written on everyone’s face. And when it came time for the exit evaluation, to see if Tommy could be released or not, he didn’t want anyone near him. But Nikki didn’t leave, and sat outside the room while Tommy answered some questions, talked with doctors, and all the joys that came with it.

“You’re coming home with me.” Nikki told him when Tommy was released and they made their way out to Nikki’s waiting car. “I thought you could stay there for a few days. Rest up. Get your strength back.”

“I gotta go get some clothes.” Tommy whispered. “And I feel weird without my drumsticks.” Nikki nodded and made the turn towards Tommy’s place instead of towards his own. Nikki didn’t realize it until he had pulled into the parking lot that he hadn’t asked anyone to clean up the blood and glass from that night. It was still there, all over the light tile in the kitchen. Before he could even stop Tommy though, he had unfolded himself from the car and headed into his apartment.

“Shit.” Nikki whispered, racing after him. Tommy was sluggish moving, and Nikki would’ve been right at his side if he hadn’t zoned out for a moment. He raced into Tommy’s apartment, his heart beating a mile a minute like the last time he was there. “Tommy?”

Tommy stood at the kitchen doorway, staring at the mess. The knife was still on the floor. The broken bottles still were there. And the blood…

“Hey, let’s go get your stuff.” Nikki said, placing a hand on Tommy’s shoulder.

“How am I still alive?” Tommy asked. “There’s so much of it…” Nikki closed his eyes. He thought about that night, finding Tommy slumped against the cabinets. He had been sitting in that blood. Nikki shook his head and opened it eyes.

“Come on Tom. Let’s get your things and we’ll head back to my place.” Nikki told him softly. Tommy nodded and went with Nikki to his bedroom. Nikki got the bag out of the closet for him. The one he used for his carry on during tours. He watched as Tommy picked out some clothes and put them into the bag, like he was calculating every move.

“How long am I going to be there?” Tommy asked softly.

“As long as you want.” Nikki told him. “As long as you need.” He reached out and held Tommy’s hand. “It’s okay Tommy. You’re safe.” Tommy nodded and finished packing his bag. Nikki made sure his favorite pair of sticks were right there on top of his clothes. Nikki made a mental note to hire someone to come clean Tommy’s kitchen as they headed back outside, locking the door behind them. Nikki led Tommy to his car and headed towards his place. Tommy looked exhausted the whole ride.

Nikki parked the car and the two made their way into Nikki’s place. Tommy looked around at everything. It didn’t matter how many times he had been to Nikki’s place, he always checked to see if there was something that he missed.

“I’ll order us some food. We can just chill. Watch some movies or some fun shit like that.” Nikki laughed. “How’s that sound?”

“Good.” Tommy whispered. He wasn’t very hungry, and he honestly just felt like sleeping forever. But he wanted to get back to himself right away. If not to make himself happy, but to make the people around him happy. So if he could go through the motions for now, then eventually he could get to that level he was at just a few years ago.

So that’s what he did. They ate, or well, Nikki ate. Tommy picked at his food, which came at a shock to Nikki. The kid had always been up to eat, even when he was lousy with the flu. It hadn’t ended up well for him, but he always tried. After the food and Nikki putting Tommy’s leftovers in the fridge, they watched some TV, trying to avoid any entertainment news in case someone caught whiff of Tommy’s accident. But soon, Tommy was ready for bed. Nikki led him to the guest room.

“If you need anything, you know where I am.” Nikki motioned down the hall to his room.

“Thanks Nik.” Tommy whispered. Nikki cupped his cheek and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

“I told you I’d take care of you.” He smiled at the drummer. “Now get some rest. Maybe we can sit by the pool tomorrow or something.” Tommy nodded, offered a thin lipped smile, before he turned and went into the guest room for the night.

****

‘Poor little Tommy. He tried to kill himself.’ The monster was back inside Tommy’s head as he tried to sleep. ‘But you couldn’t even do that right, could you? You never do anything right. You always screw up.’

Tommy tossed and turned as the voice grew louder and louder. His eyes were squeezed shut and he was haunted by the looks of his bandmates. Even Nikki was giving him that pitying look.

‘Who cares about you? If they did, they would’ve helped you before it got to this point, wouldn’t they?’ Tommy gripped the sheets. ‘You know the only way to silence me Tommy. But you screwed that up. Just like everything else.’

And that’s when Tommy screamed.

****

Nikki had just gotten settled into bed. He was worried. Worried about Tommy and his health mainly, but also worried about what the future was going to hold. There was no way he was going to make the drummer go on tour anytime soon.

His eyes had just closed when a blood curdling scream ripped through the silent halls of the house. Nikki was out of bed in no time, pulling on a pair of sweats and racing towards the guest room.

“Tommy!” Nikki threw open the door to find him sititng up in bed, sobbing. “Tommy, hey. It’s okay.” Nikki whispered, going to him and rubbing his back. “Hey, hey.”

“Nikki.” Tommy cried, burying his head in Nikki’s chest.

“It’s okay. I got you.” Nikki held him close. “Would it make you feel better if I stayed?” Tommy nodded his head, btu didn’t say anything. “Why don’t we go to my room? The bed is bigger.” He helped Tommy out of the guest room and down the hall to his room. Tommy laid on his side, curled up tight. Nikki watched him for a moment.

“I screwed up.” Tommy whispered. Nikki frowned.

“Screwed up what?” He asked. “You didn’t screw anything up.” Tommy didn’t say anymore, and Nikki wasn’t going to make him. He was just there to calm Tommy if he started screaming again.

But he never did.

****

A Few Days Later

Tommy had therapy. The hospital had sent a referral and it was going to help keep Tommy from going to a psychiatric hospital. Nikki took him and dropped him off at his first appointment. He stayed around the area and waited.

“How is he doing?” Vince asked Nikki when he sat down at a table for lunch with him and Mick. He had an hour before Tommy was done, and he was starving.

“He’s...not Tommy.” Nikki sighed. “He like someone trying to pretend to be Tommy but failing at it.”

“It will take some time.” Mick told him. “It was traumatic for everyone involved.”

“I just...I want to help him. But he’s trying to tell me everything’s fine.” Nikki held his head in his hands. “What can I do?”

“We’ll not doctor’s Nik. We can’t tell you what to do.” Vince told him. “The only thing we can tell you is to be there for him whenever he decides he need to talk or something.” They ate their lunch, talking about various things before Nikki got up to go get Tommy.

“Keep us updated.” Mick told him. Nikki nodded and headed back to where Tommy was. A couple moments after Nikki parked, Tommy came out.

“Hey Nikki? Can you stop at the grocery store for me?” Tommy asked. “I have a few things I want to get.”

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Nikki made the turn to go to the grocery. Tommy took his time picking up the cans of items he wanted. Nikki raised an eyebrow.

“Everything’s pre-cut.” Tommy said out of the blue. “No knives.”

“Oh.” Nikki nodded. “What are you going to do with all this pre-cut food then?”

“My therapist told me I should focus on something that makes me feel...better?” Tommy told Nikki. “I like to cook. I just never had the time being on tour. So, I wanted to cook for us tonight, if that’s okay.” He bit his lip, realizing that he hadn’t even asked Nikki beforehand. Nikki wrapped an arm around his shoulders and smiled.

“I’d love it if you’d cook for me T-Bone.” Nikki told him. Tommy picked out some fresh chicken, and the pre-cut veggies. They went back to Nikki’s place, Tommy instantly starting in on the food. Nikki put on some music and sat at the counter, watching as Tommy worked. He was amazed. He had never known Tommy to make anything more extravagant than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but there he was, cooking like he had been doing it all his life.

It smelled good as it baked, and it tasted even better when Nikki took a bite. He threw his head back and moaned a little.

“God Tom. You’re cooking from now on.” Nikki laughed. Tommy smiled a bit, the first real smile that Nikki had seen since before the incident.

“You’ll only get it until you kick me out.” Tommy laughed a little, but Nikki could hear the hurting in his voice.

“About that,” Nikki leaned forward, elbows perched on the table. “We lived together before, back on the strip. So, what if you just move in here with me?”

“What?” Tommy asked.

“Tommy, I love you. I told you that at the hospital. And I think it would do us both some good if you stayed here. We could support each other. You wouldn’t have to be alone and…” Tommy’s smile brightened a little more.

“You’re asking me to move in with you?” Tommy asked.

“Well, yeah. Isn’t that what I said?” Nikki laughed.

“Are you sure you want me here? I mean, you saw how I was before and…” Nikki got up and went to Tommy. He cupped his face in his hands and kissed him gently.

“You don’t have to be alone Tommy,” Nikki told him. “I’m here to help you. And the best I can think of is to have you move in with me.” Tommy nodded.

“Then let’s do it.”

****

Months Later

Tommy kept going to therapy, getting better with each appointment. It wasn’t always the easiest, and sometimes Tommy felt like he was going backwards instead of forwards, but Nikki was always there to help him.

It was a slow process. Neither guy had had someone living with them for awhile, so it was an adjustment. But not too long after Tommy moved in, he made another move from the guest room to Nikki’s bedroom. The bed was plenty big enough for the both of them, and Nikki honestly really loved waking up with Tommy next to him. He loved the way that the drummer would start on one side of the bed, but sometime during the night would end up as a tangled mess of limbs when he pressed up against Nikki.

“Could you two be anymore of a married couple?” Vince asked as they got ready for a show months after Tommy’s hospital stay. The bandages had long since come off, but the scars were still there. He was always a little self conscious about it, but there were nights when he got bad and Nikki would kiss on his wrists, trying to help him feel better. He knew it wasn’t going to take away all the pain and shame that Tommy had, but it was a start.

“What do you mean?” Tommy asked as Nikki helped him shave the side of his head.

“Like seriously, you’re shaving his head for him Nikki. My own wife won’t even do stuff like that for me.” Vince laughed.

“It’s hard to see sometimes.” Nikki told him as he finished up with Tommy. “And besides, us terror twins gotta look good, right?”

“Yeah.” Tommy said, smiling a big smile.

“Just get married already you two.” Vince laughed. Nikki looked over at Mick and winked.

“Okay my dudes, let’s get out there!” Tommy smiled before the band made their way out, ready to start the show.

And Nikki kept looking back the whole time to make sure that Tommy was smiling.


End file.
